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I'm Sober, but I Can't Relax

I did nothing this weekend. I just relaxed. 


What I mean by that is:


I finished school shopping with my oldest daughter Lily. I made two new recipes: a chopped (Kardashian) salad and a strawberry cobbler (for breakfast). I am reading four books right now. Two are on my nightstand, one is on audible (Lessons in Chemistry) and one is on my Kindle. I read four People magazines, which were handed down from my mother in law. 


Speaking of, I hosted a small 9 person Family Send Off party for Lily. I watched the Anna Nicole Smith Documentary and the Happiness for Beginners movie, on Netflix. Only halfway though because I was mostly looking at my phone. I did a few loads of laundry. I picked a few fights with my husband. We looked at Lily’s college finances and made a budget and a plan. I listened to the Greta Gerwig Smartless podcast. I took my dog on two slow sniffing walks around the block. I took two afternoon naps. I registered my youngest daughter for volleyball. I met a friend for yoga and a sound bath. 


I did everything I possibly could to underwhelm myself this weekend. I stayed off my computer. 


Lily and I drank Olipop sodas in bed (our newest indulgence). I said I was antsy with no plans for the rest of the day. She said she was content. I want to be more like her. 


Sitting still is the hardest for me. It become more tolerable in sobriety. It was impossible as a drinker. I am still not very good at it. 


Moving with speed, high efficiency, high productivity, high achievement, this is what I am good at. I like to see quick tangible results in everything I do. I am good at getting it all done, taking it all on. I think this particular type of anxiety was inherited. My Grandmother would wake the house before 6 am with a song “get up you lazy sinners”. Perhaps a joke, but all my Aunties still rise before the sun. 


Being lazy, moving slowly, it doesn’t come easy for me. There’s a push-push, rush-rush energy inside of me. A high tendency towards hustle. This is my comfort zone. 


It might sound ridiculous, I know, but it’s true. People alway say, “how do you do so much?” and you guys, I am bored. Boredom is the worst thing for me. I can’t stand it and avoid it at all costs. 


In fact, as a drinker you’ve maybe heard of HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired).  These four stressors are something to be aware of in recovery/discovery. My clients and I call it HALTB. Bored. We added the B for bored. Many of us drink out of boredom. We like to create a rush for ourselves. We like to overwhelm ourselves. I do this in many ways. I expect myself to be in two places at once. I do two things at a time. What a thrill. 


Maybe you noticed typos and plain old mistakes in my blog email last week? I did. Because I was trying to squeeze in something extra, that I actually had no time for, while I was in the middle of doing something else. I was already at breaking point with too much to do. Why not add in more? Why not expect more from myself? Sending out something that is better than nothing at all and then berating myself for my sloppiness later. I don’t really have to blame myself though, because I was doing other things. So I don’t have to do my best at anything. Just keep spinning and throwing stuff out there and not sticking around long enough to see it before I move onto the next big thing. The next shining object. The next distraction from myself. I love starting, who wants to finish anything? These are all things I am learning and all things I am teaching in my  Launch Your Coaching Practice Course

The past few weeks, I could sense that I was headed towards burnout. My mind is zooming, swirling with ideas. It's a major adrenaline rush to launch a new program. I feel like a kid spinning in circles for a rush. My whole summer has been a whirl of vacations, concerts, and good times. I have experienced so much. I am a thrill seeker. Hiking up mountains, rafting down rapids, owning my own business, traveling internationally and more. 


With summer ending and school starting for my kids, I have stopped spinning. I am starting to settle. What a buzzkill without booze! The settling hasn’t come easy for me but I know it's what is best for me. Necessary. You know there’s a few minutes of dizziness after the spins and it doesn’t feel good. It feels wobbly. Out of control. You’d rather keep spinning. That’s how I feel. 


I know that everything needs to be unplugged sometimes, even myself. As a Coach, I preach this daily. Putting into practice myself proves easier said than done. This weekend I tried. I really did. I let the pressure valve out a little bit by giving myself a break where I could. Letting myself lay in bed and let go of the to do list. Prioritizing nothingness. Rest. Not demanding the hardest workouts, but slow strolls paying attention instead. Not filling my time and space with other people and energy. Letting go of my grip on who is moving from my new programs’ waitlist to becoming part of my coaching community. Trusting any outcome is the right outcome. Appreciating my own learning and growth since last time I launched my very first Ditched the Drink Course years ago. I have come so far and I look forward to teaching others what I have learned along the way. 


This weekend I worked to create a haven. A calm before the storm of college drop off and then the doors opening on my new course. I did the best I could, recognizing my limitations, honoring the generations of busyness that went before me. I still have my work to do.


Today is Monday and I am so happy to be opening my computer and getting back to it again. I have written about this before in my blog:


In Praise of Doing NothingOverfunctioning Fueled by Alcohol

Is Drinking Really Giving Yourself a Break?

Sobriety Taught Me to Sit Still

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