5 Years Sober, I Want a Glass of Wine

I went to bed before 8 pm last night. My eyes were tired, swollen, and sore from crying. 


The dam of tears welling up inside me finally burst when I called my mom yesterday and spoke all my fears out loud. I admitted that I am lonely. My husband and my youngest have been gone most of the last 2 weeks. Competing schedules have made it impossible to get together with friends. I am afraid of rejection for my daughter, in her rush to sorority coming up in a matter of days (no longer weeks). I am afraid of rejection for me in taking on a new business endeavor. I can no longer push these feelings away into the future, they are all suddenly here, now. 


I am launching a new coaching business course at the exact same time my first born is leaving for college. It is bringing up every insecurity I ever had. I am reminded of every time I put myself out there and lost, failed, flopped. 


There was the  6th grade speech contest Final Championship. 


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Memorial Day Weekend

I used to be gone drinking every Memorial Day. It was tradition. I was pretending to have so much fun in pools and boats. Some of it was fun. Some of it was not. I am not faulting the company that I was in. I thank the hosts so much for their generosity. The problem wasn’t with them, the problem was with me.

I didn’t know myself. I didn’t know what I wanted or what I needed. I wasn’t comfortable anywhere. Truth be told, I loved the excuse to drink all weekend. I think everybody did. I am not sure anyone drank as much as me, but that’s not my business.

I was anxious.

I drank.

I woke up with hangovers and shame and did it again on repeat for 3 days of the holiday weekend instead of two.

I needed to start the summer with a big splash. Literally, lol. 

I needed to prove we were having So. Much. Fun. I needed my drinking, around others, in the daytime, to be super normal. I needed to compare myself to other drinkers so I could say “See? I am...

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