It has taken me a long time to admit this, I was addicted to alcohol.
To my inner circle, my addiction looked like drinking too much, too often.
Getting drunk too fast.
Passing out too quickly.
Getting sloppy, slurry, while the people around me were just starting a buzz.
To me, my addiction looked like disappointment.
An uncontrollable downward spiral that picked up velocity at every corner.
It was a dirty secret to be hidden away.
A spill to be cleaned up quickly, before it became a stain.
To most people, my addiction looked like someone who never drank too much.
Someone who had it all together, someone who could moderate.
I drank around other people and I also drank alone.
Alcohol is an addictive substance that creates dependence and changes the brain.
I didn’t see myself as an addicted person, until after I got out of it.
I think this is true for most people.
I was a loud happy drunk at times.
I was sad,...
Sitting here on a Sunday morning, giving myself time and space to be.
To just sit, to rest, to check in, to create.
This weekend has been a lot of nothing, in the best way.
Reading, resting, carpooling my kids, and cheering them on at their games.
After being gone nearly a month, it feels right to just sit for a bit.
I am gaining energy to meal plan and prep for the first time in weeks.
Laundry is going.
My candles are lit.
I tidied the kitchen.
A frozen mango pineapple smoothie is thawing on the counter,
for me to enjoy when I finish my coffee.
I had a conversation with my husband this morning about our outdoor space.
We see things differently.
We have different ideas, goals, and priorities.
Landscaping or patio furniture?
I say both.
He does not.
I was able to speak my mind and not demand a decision.
We came to some conclusions and some things are still left unknown.
I can let it simmer.
The answers will...
I am surprising myself with how well I am able to handle the current global crisis of COVID-19.
I feel perfectly prepared for this however, because I have increased my resiliency by getting sober two years ago.
I was a high functioning drinker who never hit a rock bottom, and still when I decided my nightly wine habit was hurting me more than it was helping me, I had to work hard to increase my coping skills, manage triggers and cravings, and learn how to handle uncomfortable emotions.
I learned to stay present and not overwhelm myself by winding myself up with false stories and fear.
I learned to prioritize my mental and physical health.
I learned to listen to what I need, which was often to move my body, to write out my feelings, and to simply come back to me, by listening to my breath.
My self care routines are now firmly in place.
I have set myself up for resilience on the inside, no matter what is happening on the outside.
I am not seeking happiness outside myself anymore.
When you first get getting sober, you are in the fight of your life everyday to remain alcohol free.
You make a thousand decisions a day, just to stay on this side of sober.
You fight your own mind.
You are forced to learn new coping skills.
You move way out of your comfort zone.
It’s excruciating work.
For people that have been able to come out on the other side of addiction, it is what they are, and will always be, The. Most. Proud. Of.
Anyone who has been through it knows the amount of courage it takes to fight your own demons.
Your sobriety is top of mind for you at all times.
It is not however, something others will praise you for.
It has been disappointing for me to see my hard work go mostly unacknowledged.
Unless you go to AA for your chips, there are no gold stars given for sobriety.
Your drinking may have been the center of conversation, but your sobriety is not.