No Off Button - I'm Allergic to Alcohol

I was driving home this morning from dropping my daughter off at her summer job, and I was thinking about our upcoming all inclusive family vacation.

It hit me that I hadn't thought about alcohol on this vacation yet and it is quickly approaching.

Alcohol was not a thought in planning it, booking it, or packing for it. 

I remember taking a similar vacation a few years ago. 

I was excited, anxious, and fully prepared to accomplish my first all inclusive sober vacay.  

You can read about it here.

I have also unsuccessfully attempted sober vacations before.

More on that here.

It took me by surprise, this morning, to realize the very thing that used to be my one track mind, was nowhere to be found, as I was planning, preparing, or anticipating this vacation. 

This is incredible, awesome, and absolutely how I live my life!

I celebrate this!

Even as a Recovery Coach, alcohol takes up less headspace for me, than it ever did while I was drinking.

Unbelievable, I know, especially after building a career around it!  

Suddenly this morning however, the thought that I hadn’t thought about it, frightened me. 

It’s the unexpected cravings that seem to come out of nowhere that tempt me the most. 

It has been a while and I am likely due for one.

I was suddenly flooded with “what if’s”. 

I let my guard down, as my sobriety evolved. 

A fear stuck me this morning, that I would be surrounded by triggers on vacation and suddenly I might want a drink.

Do I even know how to handle this anymore? It’s been so long! 

I won’t have a drink. 

I know how to do that, but I don’t even want to want one.

Who wants to want something they tell themselves they can’t have? 

That is just not fun at all. 

If all my senses were pointing me toward a drink and I got into a fantasy, I could see where I might want to order the elusive “just one”. 

I can see how it’s possible.

I might want to answer that siren call, even after all this time (in my 4th year of sobriety).

Just one crisp white on the beach, or one deep red with dinner, might pique my curiosity, if I think about it long enough.

Here’s what I know is true, and it shuts down that illusion real fast. 

Even after all this time, even with my sober built resilience and strength, the idea of moderation or “just one” will never work for me. 

Alcohol will do, what it has always done, for me. 

It will light me up! 

It will set all my circuits on fire and it will take over me. 

The first night I could have just one and the next night just two. 

I would be pumping with adrenaline. 

The very thought excites me beyond belief. 

How brave, bold and ballsy of me, after all this time, to try once again, to be a very casual drinker?!

What a thrill! 

It’s the most exciting thought in the world for just one second. 

Here’s the thing. 

It won’t work. 

It has never worked. 

I am not a casual drinker. 

I am not a take it or leave it drinker. 

I take it. 

It takes incredible resolve and energy to leave it.

When I have, I am left feeling deprived. 

Sobriety is not deprivation, but having a little bit to drink, and never as much as I want, is downright maddening.

Sobriety takes away the agony of decision making and fills me with pure contentment. 

None is the perfect amount for me.

I prioritize my mental freedom and that means no alcohol. 

I don’t have all the answers to why...

but for whatever reason my body, my brain, my history, and my makeup,

is one that I like to compare to an allergy. 

I am basically allergic to alcohol.

I will have an allergic reaction every single time that I consume it. 

There is nothing I could do to prevent this. 

Drinking water in between drinks, a 5 oz pour, drinking on a full stomach, waiting an hour before my next drink...these techniques will perhaps lessen the reaction, but my brain will light up and I will alway want more. 

That is the reaction.

Every single time. 

There is no way to think my way out of this problem. 

Be moderate. 

Stay mindful. 

Breathe. 

Once I consume the taste of alcohol, it takes me out of mindfulness. 

All my best intentions are out the window. 

My body reacts the way my body reacts.

My experimental research has shown this happens 100% of the time. 

This is not my fault, this is just the way it is. 

This is accepting the things I cannot change. 

Knowing this, means I do not try to change it. 

There is so much freedom in this acceptance. 

Maybe it means I am an alcoholic?

That's a word I have avoided.

It might mean I have the disease of alcoholism?

You could call me someone with a drinking problem. 

I didn’t want these labels in the past and I still don’t identify with them. 

But I know that my relationship to alcohol is not the same as others. 

I know how alcohol lights me up and takes over. 

I have no “off button” as my husband would say. 

I accept this now. 

If you had a bad reaction to eggs, you would stop eating eggs. 

You wouldn’t try to eat eggs in a different way. 

If eggs were the thing making you sick, you wouldn’t scramble them, and then poach them, and expect a different reaction.

You would simply avoid eggs. 

You might feel a little sad, but it would not be the end of your world.

You wouldn’t blame your thinking about eggs and suggest if you were more mindful or had stronger willpower, the eggs wouldn’t make you breakout into a rash. 

You wouldn’t blame yourself for being a bad egg eater. 

You would recognize it is just your body’s makeup and eggs are not for you. 

Eating eggs is not worth feeling sick and you might replace with egg substitutes instead when you wanted to join in on brunch.

What if you thought about alcohol in this way? 

For me it stops the mind games that I could control my reaction to alcohol if I tried. 

I can’t. 

Alcohol will always light me up. 

That doesn’t change with almost 4 years of sobriety. 

Alcohol will still light me up, even after all this time. 

I don’t like what alcohol does to me.

Its a bad reaction, and it makes me sick.

It takes takes me away from myself and what matters most to me. 

Remembering this, fully prepares me to turn down any drink, any craving, any trigger that could come up, even on an all inclusive vacation. 

I have my previous setbacks to thank. 

These lessons learned remind me. 

I have been here before. 

Maybe thinking about alcohol as an allergy will help you too?

Maybe  your previous setbacks served a purpose to get you where you are today?

Maybe you could thank yourself for the lessons learned?

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