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High as a Kite

Uncategorized Jul 29, 2019

On my first Forever Sober Saturday we went to a concert with friends. It was a bit of a mistake. I didn’t know I would suddenly be sober and we didn’t realize our friends actually bought tickets for us, when we half committed months ago. I was kinda pissed at my husband, because he paid for tickets and now we were obligated to go. I didn’t want to go. I probably did when we pencilled it in months ago, but now I had a preparty and a concert with a group of drinkers for my first Sober Saturday. I was scared. I was scared because at the time, being sober meant that I just read my book, washed my face and went to bed when it got dark out, like a pure little angel every night. That was the only way I knew how to be sober in the beginning (and for a long time after that too). Here is what I wrote in my journal at the time: 

We didn’t realize someone actually bought us tickets to this live music event and preparty for tomorrow.  We decide to go. I am nervous to go with the drinkers, I just want to avoid it at first. I am not that strong yet to not have a drink in my hand. Darin says “we don’t have to stay long. We will drive ourselves and I will dance with you.” I love to dance, and he knows it. I really love live music. I love him. He is a terrible dancer. Still, he always dances with me. I know I can do this and with Darin at my side, I am kind of looking forward to it. I imagine being the pretty sober dancing girl in love with her husband instead of the girl I used to be, smoking outside bitching about her husband and then falling over so he has to take her home. 

Good times, Friends! Good times!

This Dear Diary entry seems so adorable to me now.

I wish I could tell myself then what I know now. I hope this provides some inspiration for you, if you are in the beginning of questioning your drinking, and worried that the good times are over. 

Last night the same friends invited us to go to a concert with them. They scored us free VIP seats. It was a perfect night in the city. The venue was amazing, we had a view of the city skyline to our front, the view of the lake to our back with a perfect breeze blowing through. 

Everyone around us was some form of buzzed, drunk, and stoned. Cold drinks and cocktails were sold and advertised everywhere. The strong smell of weed filled the air. In the beginning of my sobriety this probably would have turned me off. I would think I didn’t belong there. I would judge other people’s behavior around me. I wanted to avoid all temptation. Temptation was bad. I didn’t want temptation inside of me. So I lived my life in a very narrow little line at first. Doing sober things. Being pure. Staying the fuck away from drugs and alcohol. Getting really righteous and judgy about “others.” You know what I mean.

Last night was my 6th sober concert.

I understand wanting to take substances to enhance your experience.

I have done that too.

I thought I needed it.

I spent many concerts getting more drinks, waiting in lines for bathrooms and trying to find my way back from the smoking section. And here’s the thing...I missed the shows and the music. I was too worried about getting my drink on. I was too nervous and chatty to hear the music. I wasn’t free to dance or clap or sing until I was buzzed or better yet drunk. That is what signaled a good time. 

Look how drunk I am = look how much fun I am having. 

As I sat there last night I felt free to sing out loud, my own voice joining in a sea of others. I moved my body to the music, knowing there were people behind me watching me. I didn’t care. I was free to be me. The breeze coming off the lake touched my skin and the smell of weed in the air reminded me of all the other concerts I have been to which filled me with memories. The lights of the stage and the city surrounded me. The bass pumped through my feet and up my body.

I was lost in a moment, in the present. An anxious, twitchy, critical mind like mine was able to pause the noise in my head and really be there to experience what was, the beautiful melody around me and the harmony within.

It was a form of group meditation, to be one with the music and the crowd. 

My inner peace flag soared high. 

I thought to myself, yes its rockstar to be drunk and stoned at a concert to escape being yourself for a minute, I get that. But...The Most Badass Thing you can do is to actually feel all your senses enhanced while you get a spiritual download, free your mind, and become One with the crowd, without the need for a drug at all. 

That is really badass and the best high you will ever get.

I am high as a kite on straight up peace and harmony.  

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