Memorial Day 2017:
It is the last day of my hometown pool party. I am so excited to be with my family, my best friends, and my mom all at the same time. This never happens, so I am thrilled. When my mom arrives I want to show her how fun it is at my friends’ pool house. I want her to be comfortable. I offer her a beer. I start drinking too. I am kinda nervous to have all my people in one place. The holiday Monday gives me an extra bonus day of drinking. How exciting! I start the day taking my anti anxiety pill, drinking, and eating very little. I end up with a quick buzz and passing out midday. My kids are disappointed in me. My husband is beyond pissed off. My mom is worried and ready to drop me off at a rehab center. I sit in shame in the third row car seat for a 2 ½ hour drive home. My dog, my only ally, is on my lap. We are stuffed in the way back of the car, which is loaded with my family that seems to hate me. As soon as I got home I get a glass of wine. I sleep as long as I can the next day, Tuesday, until I am rudely waken by my mom and my husband telling me I have a problem. They are being very dramatic. They are my problem and I don't give a shit what they say. I want to go back to sleep.
Memorial Day 2018:
I am 3 months sober back in my hometown for the same long weekend at my friends house/pool. My friends are not drinking either, but nobody is talking about it and I feel weird. They are supporting me, which I appreciate, but we are not talking about it. Yet, I feel like a spotlight is on me and I don’t like it. I know I have been the topic of conversations that I haven’t been included on. I want to know what was said about me behind my back. I endure and survive the weekend, which is the only goal. I am a little shaky, but sober. I try to have fun, but its not really fun for me. I am so uncomfortable. I feel like I have to apologize for the elephant in the room, which is my drinking and my scene last year. I don't feel connected to anyone. I feel very alone. It is a relief to come home to my safe haven and report back to my sober bestie who might be the only one who gets it, who gets me.
Memorial Day 2019:
We stay home for my daughter’s soccer tournament. The tournament ends up being cancelled due to weather. Ironically, the weather turns out to be mostly beautiful all weekend long. I run 3 days in a row through the forest, connecting with the animals, as if I am Snow White. I feel the Oneness of being in nature, which is always the ultimate goal. I have time to reflect on my past Memorial Days. It turns out, I don’t enjoy what I thought I enjoyed. All those weekends I spent drinking, I was not having fun. I do not blame anyone for this. I didn’t know myself. Now I know what I want and it is so refreshing. I have a beautiful and fun weekend connecting with myself, my neighbors, my in-laws, and my family.
I wake up Tuesday morning inspired and ready to start the week. I am not hungover. I am well rested. I do not feel like a buzz kill because the work week has started. I am not sad the weekend is over. I am so excited to make things out of the ideas free flowing from my mind. I have fresh groceries in the fridge and the laundry started. I show up early at work with a mind full of inspiration. I am wearing a cute new shirt. I can barely wait to connect with my business partner on this week's agenda. I wonder why people limit themselves to TGIF, and fun for weekends only. I am as happy for Tuesday morning as I was for Friday night. This feels like finally living in alignment.
Here's the main thing I learned about myself. I don't have to try so hard not to be myself anymore. I don't have to drink to bend myself around others and pretend to be having fun when I am not. I know myself now, and to thine own self be true.