There was a moment this weekend where I picked up a glass of whiskey,
so I could wash the table underneath so we could play cards after dinner.
I put my nose in and smelled it.
It smelled so good!!!
It gave me a warm, boozy, fuzzy feeling just to sniff it.
I knew I would love the burn going down my throat.
Whiskey wasn’t my drink of choice, but I always did like it.
Did I want a sip of whiskey?
Did I want that happy burn and fuzzy buzz to come over me?
Yes, I definitely did.
I know now what that would mean for me.
Alcohol is a big head game.
I am so glad to not be playing anymore.
Ultimately, I don’t want what alcohol brings.
For me, alcohol brings disappointment, dependence/addiction, hangovers, and shame.
It hijacks my brain into a one track mind with only one thought - drink now.
It clouds everything that is beautiful and free about me.
It makes me anxious, and depressed.
It takes away my confidence.
It makes me physically ill.
I love myself alcohol free.
The old self hating and self loathing thoughts threaten to creep in,
at just the idea of having one sip of liquor.
I know the tailspin that would put me in, because I have done it before.
(remember this blog when I 5 months sober and then had a taste of tequila?
I know this now, but it took me some time to get here.
In the beginning of my sobriety, I would not have trusted myself with a half full bottle of wine being left on my counter after a gathering.
That would have haunted me until I drank it, so I didn’t put myself in that situation.
I did not want a full wine rack of my favorite red blend, or a cocktail cart stocked with the best liquor.
It was clumsy at first.
My husband thought we were out of vodka and bought it to restock.
I lost my mind when he added a jug of vodka to my newly created mocktail cart.
I got rid of all the alcohol in the house, except for a few beers and my husband’s Captain Morgan, (because come on, even as a drunk, I wouldn’t drink that, lolz).
I didn’t tempt myself with alcohol in the beginning and you don’t have to either.
I set myself up for success by staying away from it,
until I got some sober momentum under my belt.
When drinking I was of two minds: I wanted to drink and I wanted to stop drinking.
Being at war with myself in this inner conflict was hell.
Now I am aligned with my mind, body, and spirit.
We all speak the same language and alcohol is not part of it.
When drinking alcohol is the only voice I hear.
I am no longer illusioned to think alcohol brings me fun, adventure, or connection.
It’s not alcohol that makes me feel wild and free.
It is literally the opposite.
Alcohol stops me from having fun.
Once I started drinking, all I thought about was drinking.
A very boring, not fun, one track mind.
Alcohol takes away from my sense of adventure.
I was not capable or interested in doing anything while drinking, except drinking.
Sitting around drinking is not a life of adventure.
Alcohol removed me from connecting with others and put me in my own head.
I was jeopardizing losing relationships with many including the ones that matter most to me:
my husband and children.
I can think of nothing worse.
Alcohol makes me dependent on something outside myself to change my mood.
Alcohol is the ultimate cage.
Sobriety makes me happy, in tune with me, and free.
Sobriety keeps me aware, motivated, determined, and uninhibited.
I am not hiding from myself and others anymore.
I am free to live out loud.
I don’t need others' approval so badly anymore.
I give myself my own feedback.
There is nothing alcohol could give me that would be better than my sobriety.
That is why, even picking up a glass of whiskey and smelling it, no longer turns me on.
I know better.
I know what comes with that sip and I don’t want it anymore.
I set it down, and proceeded to win the card game.
I went to bed to read my book and meditate.
I woke up to go hiking and kayaking.
I had (AF) beers on the boat and felt freaking fantastic.
It’s not the alcohol.
It never was.
If you need the escape hatch that alcohol brings, I’d love to help.