I just turned 5 years sober. For most of my life this accomplishment seemed so out of reach for me. What would I tell myself back before my last Day !?
Put all of your energy towards that. Stop looking behind you. Keep moving forward. Just because you are not doing it perfectly, doesn’t mean you are not doing it at all. Keep doing it. It’s a process and not a single event. Stay curious and keep learning. Believe you can and you will. It has to start here. You must believe in yourself bigger than you ever have before. You must believe in yourself BEFORE you have proved anything. BEFORE you have reached your goals. This is how to start. Start believing and stop giving up on yourself before the miracle happens. Keep the faith and it will happen.
You will not be able to make this change and keep everything in your life the same. This change will disrupt your life as you know it. It’s a good thing. Your life is not working for you. That is why you are drinking all the damn time. Put your focus on you and what makes you happy, healthy, and sober. That’s it. That is all you have to do. People won’t like it. It will make people uncomfortable. Hell, it will make you uncomfortable too, but you’ll have to let the pleasing of others go. You’ll have to let the opinions of the world fall to the wayside and do what’s best for you. You only need your own approval. This self discovery will grow. You will feel like yourself again. You will return to your childlike instincts. You will connect with your truest self and that will be all you need. Stay with yourself. No more self abandonment by pouring alcohol on it. Stay.
You will cry a lot. This won’t change. Not at 30 days sober, 90 days sober, or 5 years sober. You get to cry as long and often as you need. Your deep grief and big aches are never going to leave you. As much as you demand, you won’t get over it. Stop asking yourself to. You will continue to hold people and places you’ve loved in your heart, long after they are gone. You will continue to have a sensitive soul to the things that make you weep. There is nothing wrong with you. Find a space and time to cry. Write, dance, stomp, sing, paint, play. Feel the depths of despair. Let it out. Let it go. Listen to yourself. You will learn how to soothe your sad heart. You will learn how to tune in and take care of yourself. For as much as the pain hurts, you will be gifted with the highest of joys. Do not brush over and bypass your pain. That is not the goal. You are alive and you get to experience the wholeness of human life. Allow it, Dear One. You are meant to feel both joy and pain. There is no change without loss. Let yourself grieve over and over again.
Alcohol was not the thing that relaxed you at the end of the day. Alone time was. Alcohol was not the fun starter when the weekend began, your friends were. Alcohol didn’t make the meal, the ambiance did. Alcohol isn’t what you think it is. Alcohol is only a form of self abandonment. Alcohol is only a mask you can wear to ignore what you know is true. Alcohol was never it and it never will be. You were giving it too much credit. Alcohol is not a magic elixir. You don’t want alcohol and all it’s consequences. Stop telling yourself that you do. You want peace. You want to feel good. You want to be safe and able to self soothe. Alcohol is not your friend.
It will all come together in all the ways you’ve ever dreamed and then some. You will manifest amazing opportunities. You will be connected to the people you admire most. You will learn how to share yourself with the world and you will be received. Visualize the best case scenario. Keep that vision. That is where you are headed. What if? What if it all worked out? What if you could really do that thing? Speak on that stage? Take that trip? Start that business? Write that book? Have that relationship? What if you could have the life you want? What if you could make all your little childhood dreams come true? What if you could fall in love with your life instead of avoiding it? It is all here for you on the other side of sobriety.
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