Today I am hitting the publish button on my website. I am not ready.
A few weeks ago I made an announcement on social media that I was 1 year sober. I was not ready and I didn’t have the right words to share. I decided to do it anyway. I obsessed about the words that I would choose for the weeks leading up to the Soberversary. I wanted to be serious, but lighthearted. I wanted people to know it was a big deal and I was proud of myself. But I didn’t want anyone to think I was ever a raging mean alcoholic. I wanted to share the news and receive positive feedback and celebration from my friends, but I didn’t want to be vulnerable or open for criticism, judgment or imagination about addiction. I was scared. I was really frightened about what everyone would think. Once I shared, people were going to know and after it was documented, I couldn’t take it back. It was scary and I was anxious leading up to the date. Once the calendar turned and the 1 year sober date...
I attended a yoga class this morning in a new studio. Prior to class starting, I went to the front desk to sign up and pay for the introductory 2 week special. The owner told me the first class was free. She went on to explain that this was not an exercise class, but instead this was a spirit class. She didn’t want the energy of anyone feeling resentful that they weren’t getting what they signed up for floating in the room.
Little did she know. I was thrilled. And these words already sold me on my return.
The class was beautiful and meditative. The theme was letting go. This phrase was repeated through out the class and I thought about what that meant to me.
In Warrior 2 pose it meant, letting go of insecurities. I was bold and strong in my form which translated to having a strong faith and belief in myself for the first time as I embark on a new professional path.
In Tree Pose, letting go meant not being afraid to fall out of the pose. I let my branches grow tall and I...
1 year ago today I got rid of alcohol and I have never felt better. It was very hard at first because wine had become a reliable friend that helped blur the edges of so many uncomfortable emotions and it was a challenge to learn to cope without it. But I could also see that my beloved wine was becoming the cause of my problems and not the solution. I wanted to be healthy and free. I know there are others that have a complicated relationship with alcohol and I want you to know you are not alone. I am working on the best way to share my story and offer help. For now I just want to make this announcement which I am so proud of, but it makes me so vulnerable so please don’t throw tomatoes! Alcohol is the only drug that if you quit, then people think you have a problem. Well trust me when I say nothing bad has happened because I quit. And I am still the best dancer in the room!
Thank you for your bravery going on national television and admitting that drinking doesn’t bring out your best self, or your best parenting. Thank you for putting it out there that you are giving it up for 18 years! Know that you are not alone. There are so many of us Moms out here that quit drinking too and we just haven’t the opportunity, or the courage, to say it on national television.
Some of don’t even know how to say to our friends and neighbors (me). You just made it easier for all of us. Now we can just say, “Did you see/hear Anne Hathaway on Ellen the other day? Well she quit drinking because she didn’t totally love who she was when she drank and ME TOO!”
You are gorgeous, talented, smart, and successful. I don’t know if you have “drinking problem” and it really doesn’t matter. To you, drinking was a problem, so you gave it up.
I did this too, one year ago. I am still trying to define for others why I...
Step 1- Be honest with yourself.
I know that wine/beer/vodka has become your Best Friend and Lover and you do NOT really want to quit. That’s ok. I’d like to offer you a high five.
Congratulations! You are here. Right here in the present moment. If you are anything like me, you are probably hungover AF and desperately grasping for something to help end this cycle. You may hate where you are and know that is it isn’t working for you, but unsure of the next step. And truthfully, you can’t really imagine a life sober so you might have to throw your arms in the air and accept the reality that you will be a drinker, likely an over drinker, for the rest of your life. That thought is so depressing on one hand, and on the other, its sort of a relief that in just a few hours after you can struggle through your day, that glass of wine will be there at the end to tell you everything is ok. That’s all you really want. The feeling that everything will be ok.
Reflections On 1 year Sober
Day 1: The alarm goes off and I am immediately guilty and full of shame for I don’t know what yet. I’d rather go back to sleep than find out.
My head is pounding.
My heart is beating outside of my chest.
I am pissed off.
I am in my clothes from last night.
I am in my bed alone.
I don’t know where everyone else is but my trusty dog is beside me.
Fuck I better get up.
I pull myself out of bed thinking about how many minutes until I can get back in.
If I can just get the kids to school, I will go back to bed. A little “me time”. I make my way to the bathroom and brush my teeth and I see myself in the mirror and I honestly don’t recognize myself.
When did I get so fat and old and ugly? My eyes are bloodshot and blurry. I can’t even focus because of the fog in my head. I think I am going to be sick. Mind over matter. “No no just move on. Everything is fine. Don’t let anyone know. Don’t let them see...
New Year/New You?
I am all about self help, reaching goals and self improvement. If you are like me, your email inbox is full of New Years messages that encourage New Year, New You! These messages might be winding you up to start Whole 30 and get that holiday weight gain in check. You probably have received gym discounts and coupons codes to make 2019 the year you get in shape. Join a yoga class! Start rock climbing! Sign up (again!) to run that marathon! Or maybe you watched Marie Kondo on Netflix and you are inspired to clean out and declutter your home. Maybe you, like me, love the idea of a new planner to fill out. Perfectly organizing your life. Maybe you sat down with your calendar and color coded it to perfection. Say goodbye to the 2018 Hot Mess Express and Hello to the new hopes and dreams of losing weight, gaining muscle, and never missing a beat at home or at work in the New Year! Ahh the New Year/New You goals are enticing, aren’t they?
If on Day 9 of Dry January...