Dear Black Friends,

I am so sorry. 

I didn’t know you were screaming for help. 

You’ve been living with knees on your necks.

It was urgent that I do something to stop it. 

I thought I was helping. 

I thought I was doing my part to help. 

I thought my votes and my love were enough.

They were not enough.

Not even close.

There is so very much more that I can do.  

Looking back, I can’t believe I didn’t know this, all this time. 

It seems so obvious to me now..

I am embarrassed, ashamed and dumbfounded by my naivety, and stupidity.

You’ve been literally screaming and I haven’t heard your call.  

I think I was too far away to hear the screams, but I wasn’t listening for them either. 

I should have known you needed help. 

I should not have been so far away from you. 

I should have gotten closer to you, knowing it’s never been fair.

I should have opened my eyes and put my ears...

At 44 years old, I might be at the halfway point of my life. 

My Grandma just passed away at 88 last week. 

No one is getting any younger.

My kids are teenagers and I am middle aged. 

I am not sure how this all happened so quickly. 

Just yesterday I was in high school, and somehow my first born just completed her freshman year.

I know the older I get the more people I will lose.

This is heartbreaking in so many ways. 

I also know age is a gift and not everyone gets it. 

I have lost friends and family my age and younger. 

Losing people that I love has changed me forever. 

The silver lining of grief is the ability to cherish what you have , when you have it.

Death is inevitable. 

Because I have experienced so much loss, I know my moments matter.

They could be taken away at any time.

Nothing is guaranteed.

Loved ones have been unexpectedly ripped away from me without warning. 

This broke my heart. 

It has also given me an added...

Black Lives Matter. 

I want to openly admit how racist I am, and what I am doing about it.

This might surprise you to hear that I am racist, because I am, without a doubt, also anti-racism. 

I am a kind, accepting, open, loving white woman. 

I believe and vote for equal rights for all people.

My neighbors are black. 

My best friends are black.

I am from a white family, in a white town.

I went to a white college. 

I grew up in a very nice, loving, accepting white family who believes and votes for equal rights for all people. 

How could I be racist?

Because I grew up in a racist society with massive inequality. 

I don't know what I don't know.

A few years ago, a young blonde girl was shooting a skunk in our local park in broad daylight. 

I was scared and taken back at first, but when I saw who it was, I was relieved. 

If that was a black man or a black teen, I might have been scared and called the police.

...

My Grandma died just before her 89th birthday in her home yesterday.

I am 44 years old and until yesterday, both my Grandma’s were still living, so I am one incredibly lucky Granddaughter.

I have two good Grandma’s.

In my experience most people get one good Grandma, that they like, and then a mean Grandma, that they like less.

Is this true?

I was gifted with two very different people for my Grandma’s and I love them both dearly.

Grandma Alvina was my Mom’s mom.

Alvina’s Mom was adopted and came from Poland.

When I had kids we started calling Grandma Alvina Babcia/Busha, which is Polish for Grandma.

I have so many of my Grandma’s qualities that my husband calls me Busha, too.

Especially when I’m in a mood, if you know what I mean.

I don’t mind at all.

I see her in me too.

It’s not always positive, but it is always strong.

My Grandma was the last of her siblings to die and the last of my Mom’s parents to go too.

I feel so sad...

If you think you can’t have fun without drinking. 

You are right. 

I couldn’t either. 

That is because as much as I hated to admit it, I had become dependent on alcohol.

I needed alcohol for a good time. 

So much that I didn’t feel good without it. 

As a daily drinker, I would wake up with a hangover. 

The only way for me for me to feel better was to address the withdrawal my body was experiencing. 

Alcohol directly influenced the chemical activity in my brain which caused issues like depression and anxiety to exacerbate. 

It disrupted my sleep and contributed to negative thoughts and moodiness. 

This is not fun by anyone’s standards!

The easiest way to stop feeling this way is to have another drink. 

This took the edge of my body’s withdrawal, and I immediately felt better. 

This detox retox cycle is the alcohol trap. 

Not unlike the sweet nectar of a pitcher plant that has insects drinking it...

I am loving my new routine of snuggling up on the couch on Sunday night’s with my family.

We are enthralled with Michael Jordan’s Documentary, The Last Dance.

It’s an incredible show that has me on the edge of my seat every week. 

The show has me laughing, crying, and mostly remembering my glorious high school years in the 90’s. 

It brings me right back.  

Thankfully Netflix and ESPN teamed up with Spotify to create an official dance playlist.

There is so much to learn about success in anything from this series.

5 Takeaways for Sobriety from The Last Dance:

Fail Forward

Michael Jordan has unbelievable talent, but what you see so clearly in this documentary, is that it was his practice, determination, and will that made him the GOAT. 

His ultra competitive nature is what put him above the rest.

Failure made him work even harder. 

 "I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six...

Almost everyone I know has the same fear when they quit drinking.

Fear of not being fun anymore. 

I had the same fear. 

My identity was wrapped up in being a party girl. A class clown. A drinker. 

I had never met anyone sober and I certainly would never want to hang out with anyone that didn't drink. 

There was one women at work that didn’t drink much.

“Why???” , I would ask her. 

I literally could not fathom why someone wouldn’t drink as much as they could,

 as often as they could, like me.

“I just don’t really like the way it makes me feel. I’ll maybe have one glass of wine at Christmas, but that’s it.”

I would think, are you freaking kidding me??? 

What do you do for fun? 

Eyeroll. 

How boring. 

We would never be friends, outside of work. 

If she didn’t drink we obviously had nothing in common. 

All I did was drink and I surrounded myself with drinkers. 

...

Don’t you love a good female movie where the women revolt against their ordinary housewife lives and bond together to go do something adventurous? 

Me too!

Don’t you love a badass story about Mom’s who stop serving everyone else in their life and take back their right to prioritize their own self care? 

Hell yes. I love that. 

Don't you cheer along when women support each other and shock everyone by not smiling and nodding, but instead using their voices.

Bold, brave, and badass. 

When women go against the norm and speak up, speak out, and walk out too.

It’s so empowering! 

When women demand respect, pay raises, and power…

Major inspo! 

When women gather together for the sole purpose of fun, laugh, and play?

Yes, rage against the societal norms and expectations.

That is exactly what we all want.

It is exactly what every women wants when they feel alone in their own houses serving their families, and ignoring their...

I am getting sick of being isolated and stuck at home. As time goes on, the cabin fever sets in. Not just cabin fever, but also exhaustion, from the weight of concern regarding coronavirus and the negative outcomes. Worry, anxiety, and depression are setting in for many. 

What can you do to combat quarantine fatigue? 

Here’s a few things that are working for me.

1- Get outside 

This may be obvious, but fresh air, sunshine, and even a chilly slap in the face do the mind and body good. Getting out in nature relieves your mind and has proven benefits in overall health and mood. A change of scenery from your own four walls can immediately lift your spirits. I have made 30 minutes of being outside mandatory for me and my family. Whether we take a walk, work in the yard, watch the birds, or simply sit and read a book, the benefits of the great outdoors are plenty.

2- Change the channel

Figuratively speaking, change the channel. It can really feel like a...

It’s ok. 

It’s ok to have one foot in both world’s.

You want to quit drinking, but you don’t want to quit drinking.

You might be laughing at the quarantini memes. You feel a bit comforted by a joke about drinking. It gives you a who cares feeling, and you want that right now. Everything seems so serious. Anxiety is lurking at every corner. A joke helps relieve the heaviness of it all. 

At the same time you might also be concerned about your drinking. Terrified even. 

Are you the only one in your company who will keep drinking through the night after the Zoom Happy Hour ends? Does it end badly for everyone? Or do some people have a their drink and then take a walk? Do laundry? Play a board game with their kids and not keep drinking? How is that even possible? 

You want the drink. You also want to stop drinking. The war within in exhausting.

Your relationship with alcohol is an experience, not a title.

It is not black and white. 

It is...