How to Get Drunk and It Will Be Okay

Hey You!

If you've been here awhile, you know that my lowest drinking moments happened on the bookends of summer: Memorial Day Weekend/summer kickoff, and Labor Day Weekend/ summer's end. I always looked forward to the day-drinking-free-for-all with friends on a long holiday weekends. I liked to make a big splash quite literally, getting out of town to be around water, pools, and boats. 

The other truth about that is that I am not that good of a swimmer and kids on a tube swinging behind a boat created a lot of anxiety for me. Boating coupled with anxiety, and sitting around a pool sociaizing for days paired nicely with drinking.

In my first few years of sobriety, I wanted to recreate that same experience without alcohol. I tried to do the exact same things minus the booze. It wasn't comfortable for me. It was different. I had new eyes to see.

So I tried to do the same things without alcohol in a different location with different company. It was ok but the tube was still flinging, making for wonderful childhood memories for my kids, and giving me some anxiety. I maybe even felt like alcohol was missing and loaded up on alcohol-free drinks. Drinking, even alcohol-free was still the ocassion in a way. 

Now, I do things differently altogether. In the past week, I have found myself recognizing an inner ear to ear smile breaking out into my outside face on a few occasions. This never happened while drinking.

It's not that I wasn't having fun as a drinker; I had a grand old time. I had a lot of fun. What I didn't have was the silent contentment that comes with a strong inner life. What I didn't have was a sense of peace and wonder that lights up a bright glow from within when you have a solid relationship of love with yourself. It's not a loud guffaw, it's a subtle closed mouth smile and twinkling eyes that radiates outward, extending from root to crown.

I always want to compare my old life to my new life like a before and after photo to say, "See, look, this is better!" I guess somehow trying to prove to myself (and others?) that the sober lifestyle transformation is glorious and glamorous too. I am not sure I can do that with the bookend holiday weekends of summer. Sometimes I feel like boats, pools, and day drinking with friends, really do look like a lot of fun (and were fun in so many ways). It had the big splash, and now I compare it to "I do nothing." 

This year I stayed home for the weekend. I didn't have any lake house views. I caught up on laundry. How is that supposed to compare to getting drunk around a pool? I had to think about this. My body remembers this weekend from my past and there's always moments of reflection and grief about my old life. 

The truth is, in my current life, I have a three day weekend every single week. Having Monday off isn't a big splash for me. It's the norm. I block my calendar every Monday's to do whatever I want. My life is more balanced and thank God I don't hate my job. I have as many holidays and as much PTO as I want. I am the boss. I am never crawling to the weekend to get my drink on or needing an extra day to recover. I don't tolerate the BS of my life so I can skip to the good part (drinking).

My actual life is the good part. All of it. From Monday mornings to midday Wednesday, and Sunday afternoons too. No dread. No waiting around for the holiday weekend to come and let the good times roll. The good times are always on a roll.

For example, this week Wednesday, I took my first drum lesson. Like with a real drum set. Rock and roll style. I learned a Weezer song. Thursday, I experienced my first floating sound bath with a gemstone face mask on at sunset in gym's rooftop pool before grabbing burritos and heading home to watch football kickoff with my family.

This weekend my oldest daughter came home from college. We got sushi on Friday night. Our mood was so giggly from our reunited energy together, and perhaps also from two very large Diet Cokes. We were laugh/crying/peeing (me) across the table and the memory of it has kept us laughing all weekend. 

I made a big "farm breakfast" on Saturday. I laid around and binged "The Summer I Turned Pretty Season 3". I got some terrible news about a friend in the hospital and took my own advice about "settling the ball" IYKYK. I couldn't process these emotions immediately. I had to let them marinate. I had to let myself not get over it but instead not be okay for a minute. An hour even. And then another hour, because I am still not over it. My dog Rocky was there with me and he didn't care if I was in a bad mood over it. He let me be. I tried to let me be too.  

Later that night, my girls and I went to the Lumineers concert. We sang our hearts out. My oldest said, "I feel drunk!" I was so happy so said that. She had nothing to drink the whole time we were there. Not even Diet Coke. I told her there so many ways to get drunk.

I reflected on when alcohol was in my life, I could only see one way. Now I know a million ways. Playing the drums like a beginner rockstar. Floating to the sounds of crystal bowls. Sitting across the table from your grown up kid. Singing in a stadium with thousands of others. Petting your dog. I got high on all these things the past few days. Some gave me an adrenaline rush and dophamine hit. Others soothed my nervous system. I drank to bring me up and I drank to calm me down. I have found so many other ways to be human without consuming a substance to change my inner equlibrium. 

Today, we are going Homecoming dress shopping for my youngest. My husband is making smashburgers. I am making homemade fries with a Caesar dip. We are baking two recipes from my aunt's new cookbook. We are taking a long walk in perfect weather. We are having coffee tomorrow morning with my niece (a drummer like me!) and my nephew (my honest-to-God fav person). 

Alcohol would ruin everything if it was included this weekend. This is just a glimpse of what a weekend at home being sober and "doing nothing" looks like for me.

When I started to question myself about my before and after alcohol life, I could see that I was telling myself lies. The before picture is only alcohol. The after picture is the opposite of doing nothing. It is doing everything except alcohol. 

It's not all lovely to be sober. It's boring at times and uncomfortable too. I cried my eyes out this weekend because of my friend in the hospital and my father-in-law heading into surgery this week. There was a shooting of innocent children in Minneapolis last week that broke my heart. I seem to follow too many police scanner pages on Facebook because I am seeing a lot of horrors recently and it troubles me beyond belief to know the evil out there. 

However, for me, I have to quote the Lumineers, "It's better to feel pain, than nothing at all."

On my mix of alcohol and anxiety meds I felt nothing at all. I don't wish to go back there. So I will stay here. Tending to my sobriety. My fear. My pain. My grief. And I will notice those moments when I am holding my daughters' hand drunk on a life lived so big singing "where we are...I don't know where we are...but it will beeeee okaayyyy."

My Fall Into You Retreat 🔗 has just a few spots left. I put it on social media, so if you were considering, get on it before it's gone.

Join us INSIDE 🔗 this week:

✨ Scroll Less September Kicks off with a tracker, inspo, and mini action each day of the month. Create more space, presence, and joy by choosing life over the endless scroll. Cheer yourself and others on and win prizes too.

✨ REPLAY - Group INSIDER Call with 🔗 Guest Sarah Kate of Some Good Clean Fun: "How to Enjoy NA Wine When You Want the Real Thing"

✨ Monday 9/1 Group INSIDER Call with Host Deb Masner "Setting Goals and Intentions for the Month"

✨ Thursday 9/4 Group INSIDER Call: "Member Story Share: Mary's Journey to 1 Year Alcohol-Free"

✨ Monday, 9/8 Group INSIDER Check-in call with host Deb 

✨ Tuesday, 9/9 INSIDER Book Club with Author Jessica Guerrieri of "Between The Devil and the Deep Blue Sea"

(Book reading is optional; come for connection and conversation.)

✨ Thursday 9/11 Group INSIDER Check-in Call, starting with Yoga Nidra Grounding Exercise

✨Thursday 9/11 AF Mastermind Workshop + Hot Seat Call (for coaches, leaders, and people growing an AF business). Join the free 7-day trial 🔗 HERE.

XO!

- Heather