Still Looking for Ways to Beat Myself Up 🥊

Thank you for all your care and concern regarding my grandma. I truly felt I was in a "house full of love." My last newsletter title really resonated with so many: "Let it be and then let it go." The "let it go" piece has been a challenge for me. I sink my teeth into people, ideas, and expectations. Ooh, damn let's get into it.

I noticed my growth when we got back from my grandma's services late on Saturday night. I let myself rest on Sunday and catch up on housework. By Monday morning I was ready to start processing some things that happened over the weekend. It is natural for me to ruminate, overanalyze, fixate, critique, and basically put myself on a project improvement plan for every little thing I said or didn't say after any kind of special event (or not special event; could be conversation, any interaction, or anything about anything anywhere, anytime, for any reason, ok?!)

So in typical fashion, I sat down with my journal and started my weekend review of all the things I could have done better. Of all the things I wish I would have said or not said. Of all the ways I could have responded or reacted or improved upon. I was looking for all the ways I could beat myself up. And right then and there I slammed my laptop shut and decided no. Nope. Nah. I am not doing this. 

What’s done is done. I showed up the best I could. I said what I said; I didn’t say what I didn’t—and it’s all okay. It’s in the past now, and I didn't want to spend another moment rehashing it. I just wanted to feel at peace.

I don’t need to come home and tear myself apart. I don’t need to be so hard on myself or go into overdrive trying to make sure everything was “okay.” No more post-event spiral. No more checking in like it’s the morning after a drinking, asking if I messed up or if anyone’s mad at me. That pattern—of picking myself apart after anything, everything, or nothing at all—has been wired into me for so long, it started to feel normal. But it’s not. And I’m ready to choose something better.

So I am changing this deep groove, this long-held pattern, this limiting belief that I could have done anything differently or better than I did. No. I am just not having it, and that, my friend, is growth. 

I went on with my day. Over it! I have been able to move on from my grandma's services too. I just took her funeral program off my desk and tucked it away. I framed a cute picture of us hugging that she kept on her refrigerator. I will keep her in my heart, and also I am able to move a bit, and it feels good. It took me years and years when I was drinking to "get over" my grief. I now know that I will never get over any of it, but I have learned to let it live alongside me without taking me under. 

I had a few more postponed birthday celebrations to look forward to when  I retruned home, including a 3-hour dinner with friends, toasting with alcohol-free wine (at a restaurant), and a live yacht rock band. I was dancing with my husband under a disco ball, singing, "We're still having fun, and you're still the one." These are the good old days.

The next night I had dinner in an underground French bistro with a sober bestie, alcohol-free dirty martinis, followed by a string quartet playing Coldplay music in candlelight. All of it was magical. 

I often talk about how much of my life has changed since getting sober, and that is true, but also so much is the same. Same house, same spouse. I still like going to dinner, getting drinks, seeing a show, being on a dancefloor, having a social life, exploring new places, and more.

You don't have to give this up when you quit drinking if you don't want to. 

In reality, I was spending more time on my couch drinking alone. Now I am getting out and doing more things. Don't get me wrong, a game of Scrabble, a jigsaw puzzle, a fresh book, and clean sheets can really get me to stay in, but I also like to get out to do something.

You get to design your sober life however you want. I can help set up a 🔗 complimentary call to get started. 

Speaking of, this week we are talking about spring cleaning in our Insider call. What can you release? What is weighing you down? Come discuss with us! 🔗 Join Here (first 7 days free, cancel anytime; if you want to stay, it's less than $1 a day)

Earlier this week we observed Transgender Day of Visibility. How timely for this week's 🔗 Peripeteia Podcast Episode: Embracing Transformation: A Journey of Identity, Recovery, and Empowerment with Bonnie Violet. 

In the latest episode of the 🔗 Peripeteia Podcast, host Heather Lowe welcomes Bonnie Violet Quintana, inviting the audience to explore profound themes of identity, transformation, and recovery. Recorded on Heather's seven-year soberversary and amid the metaphorical transformation of the year of the snake, this conversation delves into the intimate layers of Bonnie Violet's journey as a transgender woman and her experiences in recovery.

I had lots of questions, and she had answers. I left with a new perspective, which is the goal of any powerful conversation. I am proud of us (no pun intended).

Welcome, April! 

XO!
-Heather