Sober is Boring and I Have Lost Friends

I always preach #sobertnoboring but the more I think about it...

...maybe I am boring.

Maybe my sober life is boring?

Maybe I don’t have to defend this anymore.

Maybe this will not inspire you to quit drinking.

Maybe this is your biggest fear come true.

It was mine. 

I didn't want to be boring or lose friends, and it happened. 

Truth be told...

There are people who don’t want to hang out with me since I've quit drinking.

I don’t get invited to events that I used to.

I have lost friends since I quit drinking.

Not at first, but eventually. 

It’s happened. 

Not blatantly, but subtly. 

I changed. 

My relationships changed. 

That's how change works. 

 

Many people in my life, don't want to do the things that I want to do.

They are not interested in the same things that I am.

Sometimes, I can't find anyone to do something with.

My husband and daughters have to fill in as my friends a lot.

In my friendship circles, I am likely not looked at as the fun one anymore.

When someone’s had a bad day,

and they want to drink their face off,

it’s not me they call.

It used to be. It used to be me. 

I am no longer the safe “I’ll always drink the same or more than you, no-judgement-buddy”,  that I used to be.

I get that. 

As a drinker, I wanted that friend too.

I try not to be judgy now, but my values have changed since my drinking days.

I spend my days as a recovery coach, helping people navigate early sobriety.

I have new perspective and viewpoint. 

How could I not?

My NOT drinking acts as a mirror to your drinking.

This is a very unintended outcome of my sobriety.

 

I do not mean to make you uncomfortable, but I no longer drink.

Friends find a reason to skedaddle away from me, and make other plans.  

I understand.

I really, really do. 

  

I used to be extroverted, life of the party.

I still can be but COVID and recovery have made me value being a homebody too.

I no longer force myself to be in social situations that I don’t enjoy.

I used to drink to tolerate this and I don't anymore.

 

I am not good at small talk.

I don’t know how to come up with regular, unimportant things to say to people that I hardly know. 

I can’t do it for long.

 

I want to get deep in conversation, laugh so hard with someone that gets me, or be able to sit in comfortable silence. 

Noisy chatter about nothing doesn’t do it for me and I’d rather be left alone. 

Now I am ok being alone so I don’t have to try so hard with others anymore either.

 

I used to think it was my job to belong in all social situations with all people. 

I’d throw myself into the world and hope people liked me. 

I would beg to belong anywhere, with anyone.

If I didn't belong, I thought something was wrong with me.

I would try harder. 

To be liked. To be loved. To be approved. 

 

I’ve become more selective in sobriety. 

I don’t want to fit in places where I don’t belong anymore. 

I don’t take it upon myself to force people to like me. 

I don’t have to be the funny one, the cool one, the loud one, the outrageous one. 

I don't need everyone to like me.

(Gasp!) 

I can be the one that doesn’t so desperately need approval from others. 

I can be the one who doesn’t mind leaving early, to get back to my book at home, if I am not enjoying myself. 

 

I do still have fun.

More fun than when I was drinking, even though it looks different.

When I am enjoying myself, I can stay forever.

I still know how to burn the midnight oil like a freaking rock star. 

I still don’t let the party end, but only when I am having a genuinely good time.

 

I have made new friends and more authentic connections in sobriety. 

It's true.

 

It's also true that I have less friends than I did when I was drinking.

Does it hurt my feelings?

Yeah, it kinda sucks sometimes. 

 

I don’t spend my time sitting around drinking. 

I don't blame my friends for not wanting me around to do this.

As a drinker, I used to always be on the lookout for people to drink with.

I’d call anyone to provide some drinking reprieve so I could continue to avoid myself. 

I'd be up for almost anything.

I am not like that anymore.

I make less effort and I have less desire to reach out, for the random Tuesday night drinking extravaganza.

This is on me. 

 

I have gotten closer with some very important people since ditching the drink:

My mom. 

My husband. 

My daughters. 

Myself. 

 

This matters the most to me.

 

What do I do for fun now that I am sober, boring, and have less friends?

Well sober, boring things, naturally.

 

Today I was super bored.

I had cancelled plans so I was left at the last minute with nothing to do.

 

I started the day by sleeping in and then had coffee alone, outside on my deck.

I read a super nerdy book about conservation and dreamed up ideas for my backyard.

I started to appreciate all the critters around me like the birds and squirrels.

The book was saying how these animals are such good news for the earth, and it all works together. 

It filled me with wonder and delight, if I am being completely honest.

Then, on whim a friend and I decided to go shopping.

We found a cute spot and it all came together perfectly and spontaneously. 

It was like I was living in flow and it was all meant to be.

We started at an non profit consignment shop in an adorable main street town.

One of the volunteers that checked me out had been volunteering there for 23 years! 

They were all so sweet to us and so grateful for our purchases.

We proceeded to browse cutesy bougie boutiques.

I treated myself to a darling blouse and a new purse.

When I came home, I cleaned up my vintage treasures. 

I enjoyed washing all my new little dishes, with my special dish soap.

I was dreaming up parties to host and the perfect ways to show off my new items.

I was thinking about the amazing drinks for these incredible vintage red glasses. 

I got a retro ice bucket that reminds me of my Grandparents bar at Christmastime.

It will be the best addition to my mocktail cart. 

I got so elated with the memories of my childhood holidays.

I felt moved by spirit as I recalled voices, hugs, and love from my family, many who have since passed.

I was on a high on bliss, as I put my new vintage things around the house. 

This is moving, but still boring, I suppose.

I agree, so my daughters and I made plans to go to the city tomorrow. 

To really light up the weekend with pizazz, you know?

I am going to wear the new expensive blouse that I just bought. 

In the meantime, I made a grocery list.

I did laundry.

I pet the dog. 

I tidied up and now I’m scrolling for new bedroom inspiration.

I have a new duvet to put on on bed and I am excited for a complete DIY bedroom makeover! 

I am sipping a cup of lemon ginger tea. 

First cuppa this season. 

It’s raining now. 

I love it. 

My candles are lit.

My house is clean.

My kids are resting from their big first week of school. 

Everyone is safe and tucked in and together in our sweet home.

I’ll probably do more reading and eating and sitting on the couch dreaming. 

My husband is going to the store.

When he returns, he’ll snuggle in next to me and watch more preseason football.

I like the background noise.

It’s awfully boring and some days are. 

 

I’ll tell you what I don’t do anymore.

I don’t destroy myself over it.

I didn’t ruin tomorrow, or next week, or my life over one boring-ish day.

 

Would it have been fun to start drinking today?

Maybe.

 

Would it have created the right amount of chaos and excitement and rebellion in my mind?

I think so. 

 

And then every second after my first sip I would start regretting it. 

That's not boring, but it's also not fun.

Hating myself is never a good time.

 

I don’t do that anymore. 

Sobriety has been worth all the boredom, all the lost friends, and all the un-invites. 

 

Inner peace, and living in alignment with my values has proven to be better than friendships that can’t withstand change, invites to parties I never felt comfortable at, and some boring Saturday afternoons.