Freshman State of Mind

I am not only recovering from my alcohol dependence, in getting sober, I have had to address other issues in my life. One issue is perfectionism. 

I think having a goal of perfection in all areas of my life, contributed to my alcohol problem in many ways. 

I was gladly categorized as the elite  “I don’t know how she does it!” club.

My house was clean. 

I was running races. 

I volunteered. 

I had impressive sales jobs and a happy marriage. 

I made healthy meals for my kids. 

I would wake up after a night of drinking before everyone to clean the kitchen and serve breakfast.

This all led to the denial that alcohol was taking over me and becoming a bigger problem in my life. 

If anyone dared to mention my concerning drinking behavior, I put up my defenses. I didn’t want to have a problem, so if I didn’t admit a problem, then there was no problem. 

The problem was other people. Not me. I’m perfect. I have to be perfect. 

Lucky for me that who facade came crashing down. 

I have been ripped from my high horse and flung off my pedestal. 

I am not perfect. I don’t need to be perfect. I am a messy, complicated human who does not have it all together all the time. No one does. 

Being perfect is not my goal anymore. Being present is. Being alive. 

Feeling my imperfect feelings. Accepting myself, as is, a work in progress.   

I am paying attention to my perfectionist habits now and it is so freeing. 

Last night I went to a parent Freshman Orientation for my firstborn who is going to high school in a few weeks. 

My eyes were opened at this new opportunity for both of us. 

How lucky we are to be beginners at every age and stage of life. 

We can all be learners. We can all be clumsy. We can all try something for the first time. 

What a relief to admit I don’t know everything. What freedom in not being an expert. Not even being good at something is absolute solace. 

My daughter, is once again my teacher. I join her in a freshman state of mind.