How did I get to mid-June of 2020 already?!
I feel like I had myself pretty motivated and put together walking in to the New Year.... Boy was I wrong! I KNEW I needed to face my relationship with alcohol and I knew I needed to address some healing, but if I'm honest now I can see that my vision was just hopping around back and forth, skimming the surface, and making excuses why that is "good enough" like I typically did.
As SO many people relate to, my drinking wasn't "that bad" but I also failed to meet my "Just ONE day without" desire over and over and over.
I kept thinking "I'm an active and healthy person with a huge passion for nutrition and movement and the outdoors, so how did I end up here, so dulled and misaligned and quitting before I even really tried?"
The broken self trust and broken promises to myself were more damaging than anything. Through May it was like God or the Universe just took over and said, we are going into deep self therapy here... And I did make some ground and it was not emotionally pretty. LOL But it still wasn't "enough" and the drinking relationship was NOT improving.
I am THE queen of solitude and independence and taking care of myself... But I started to think maybe, just maybe, I should think about reaching out for some accountability.
Through a series of "meant to be" ironic events I found Heather. I knew a lot of what I needed to do, but that accountability and just having someone KNOW what was going on was an immediate game changer. Plus, Heather could give me the facts, but also coach me and speak to me in exactly what I needed to hear.
I don't think I had more than a three or four day streak twice over the entire past year, (even if it was not excessive drinking on most days.)
Getting to one week alcohol free felt like an absolute miracle.
The first 3 days were real tough.
I had anxiety I couldn't shake (which was not normal at all), my stomach was bloating, and I couldn't sleep. My "drinking brain" tried to tell me that "maybe I just needed to ease into this to make it more comfortable and just have one drink" but I could play it forward and know "just one" would be a lie. And I KNEW that as bad as it felt, it was EXACTLY where I needed to be. I didn't know how long that phase would last but I knew I was already in it and I did NOT want to prolong it any longer or go backwards, so with Heather's help, and getting outside to move around in nature, I made it through.
It's been easier since then, but not easy. I've become SO aware, and know I need to STAY super aware of the triggers through the day that might jump up as something that needs "soothed" or "covered up" in the evening.
It's day 18 now and I have already learned so much about myself and my thinking, habits, and coping mechanisms. It IS daunting and there will be easy and hard days to come, but the journey is amazing and I'm excited for what gems lie ahead still and this journey back to the REAL me.
Where I'm going is DEFINITELY better than where I've been. One of my favorite quotes is "The thing about going through something is you moved, you're not stuck." And the desire for NOT feeling stuck and feeling a little more free was bigger than any craving for alcohol and I'm finally quenching it.
I had faith it could happen, but I truly couldn't even make myself believe in it enough to envision it happening before I committed to this journey. And I'm so grateful I opened up and let someone in and that I've got the best coach to guide me along the bumps, tears, laughter, and new experiences along that path.